Date: 2009-09-11 23:25 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

spent too much time dwelling on a past i never had and a present i don't do anything about. it is what it is. yes it sucks royal ass, i'll admit, but there's no help to be found in self-abuse.

a mantra: stay positive no matter what arises or how fucking depressed you get.

Date: 2009-09-08 14:16 Subject: whoa Security: Public Music: fuck music, people are evil

recorded some keyboard noise tracks today. ran effects pedals through to four track and just fucked up all the levels and pitch. sounds really fucking great. now, i'm stranded at the weird library cause my father came home and took over the room to do what he does best: watch tv and not go look for work, borrow twenty dollars a day from me everyday.(i have lost track of how much he really owes me) he doesn't seem to care whether he has any solitude or not as long as the tv is on. i need it so fucking bad and recently the lack of it has me seriously contemplating suicide or some other transformation. its not just the lack of solitude its everything. i have no life whatsoever, and no friends. i am so depressed and frustrated. it is painful to breath at times. no direction. no social life. no phone calls. i'm treated like shit at work, and yet still work my ass off because it gets my mind off everything for a few hours. i was supposed to get a raise back in june or something and it has yet to transpire. they are using me and i don't have the courage bring it up anymore. its always, "well, i hear you're doing a great job, keep it up and i'll take care of you." well fuck it. i make a lousy $8.75 an hour and have basically been running the entire department for the past two months. even the people under me make more than i do. i am losing my mind. i have these thoughts where i have truly convined myself that i am already dead or don't really exist in the reality i see. its very weird and possibly a result of being treated so unfairly at work, i can't explain it. i have these amazingly lucid dreams where Death takes me on these journeys through the afterlife or other side. his hand are warm and like a sticky black vinyl feel to them almost as if he's wearing gloves. these dreams are not frightening at all and when i wake, it is depressing to know i have at least another day in this hell. the dreams are very detailed but i don't have time to explain all of it. one thing i know is that if i could i would stay there. if i was certain the afterlife was going to be like these dream visions (i call them visions because never before have i experienced dreaming of this magnitude) i would gladly stay there.

Date: 2009-08-28 22:28 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

right now as i sip on this heineken beer, my affiliation and love for art is grand. and yet as i sit here marveling in someones art notebook, filled with so much originality through portrait mixed with language mixed with media; fucking blowing my mind and i'm not even stoned, i realize this notebook will most likely never be considered an important piece of work by any kind of established or academic uppity festival. its like to me, these are the important pieces of work. i don't know why. maybe i'm obsessed with the obscure or the novelty of these artists, which make me want to cry and give up because i realize i'll never be able to put two and two together like they do instantaneously and effortlessly . yet i am a person and not some supreme artistic being shaped by generations of imaginative influence. and then i want to hide my undesirible face and kill off my skinny body. i mean, fuck- even their cats are beautiful. why did this happen why have some of us been so blessed while others are forced beyond their will to suffer because of their appearance? its sad to say but most everything comes easier to them: jobs, friendships, confidence, being photogenic (even my own grandmother has told me i'm not), culture....wealth, sex, and all that it breeds. insubordination. fuck the rest, its all in the books. 

Date: 2009-08-19 17:08 Subject: school bro Security: Public

hey everyone, read my new post! rad! check out life! whoa!

Date: 2009-08-01 23:28 Subject: for those who those for Security: Public

oh funfun livejournal. whats on my mind tonite? was looking up some shitty rock band thats playing at the spanish moon tonight. all this great equiptment and they don't do anything with it. all make money be lazy rock star girlies beer computer playstaion. THE THINGS I COULD DO WITH JUST A SIMPLE SET UP LIKE THAT GUY HAS. persona. i am fed up FUCKING FED THE FUCK UP WITH ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT MY VIEWS ON MUSIC TO PEOPLE WHO VIEW BEING AN MUSICIAN SOME KIND OF COMPETITIVE OPERATION. AND I'M SICK OF FEELING LIKE I'M COMPETING WITHIN THIS FRAME OF THOUGHT.

I NO LONGER CONSIDER MYSELF A MUSICIAN. I DON'T FUCK AROUND ON THE GUITAR OR ANY OTHER INSTRUMENT FOR THAT MATTER. I AM ONLY INTERESTED IN MAKING SOUNDS WHETHER THEY ARE HARMONIOUS OR NOT. SOUNDS, MOTHERFUCKER!  FUCKING FUCK MUSIC AND ALL THE EGOEGGOEGOEGOEGO NONE TUFF STRONGER DEVESTATION A-EVOLUTION TELELUTION-TO-TECHNOLUTION-TO-SHEEP-("BAH BAH")-TO-........UNTIL WE ALL FORGET WHAT IT IS WE ARE BUYING AND WHAT ARE VALUES ARE....C?  just don't go to facebook or myspace anymore. TRUST ME. (OR HERE).  

Date: 2009-06-20 22:57 Subject: volume heart Security: Public

intellectuals like to use the word, tremendous. why is this? and why will all my individual efforts at understanding life be seen as lazy by some people. people who's opinion of me i should not even let effect me. but i can't help it. because i want them to understand some things more important than whatever it is that i do that i place importance on and think is valuable to the eternal force of the universe and most of the things they concern themselves with only create war and stupidity and help us to forget everything and not have to think and be leisurely and stop. stop! don't ever stop. keep your thoughts to yourself and don't share cause we're all unhappy here and there is no sense sharing or trying to make any sense of your emotional state of being because we are all more or less the same.and why do i even eat anymore? i hate to eat! sometimes i find myself not even breathing which semi-confirms the truth of it all that there is no life and there is no death, we are all more or less the same, delusional, trapped in an amnesia where sleep is normal and the idea of death is extraordinary. why is not everything extraordinary. and this is what i don't see people experiencing: seeing our existence as something extraordinary. its seen as something ordinary by most people. and i can't live with these people effecting the way i need to live my life. and so i stick to some schedule and keep going to work like everyone else and keep going online and doing this. i keep drinking coffee and eating and reading books and smoking cigarettes and weed and trying to find lovers and friends and listening to music and going to shows and brushing my teeth and taking the dog for walks and trying to love and be courteous and friendly to strangers. and oh god what a struggle it always is, mostly the repetitions and unfufilling cycles and things you know are going to go wrong for you and somehow we put all of it past us and focus on our art for a little while and wish we could really channel it all into our art, all the time. what a gift some people have to be able to live their lives completely, like they are born with amphetamines in their blood, raging to take on everything. 

alas, to the books i go...to the thoughts of others. their stories are important.     

Date: 2009-06-18 09:40 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

no idea what to do today. have the day off (first in ten/eleven days) and this is almost worse than being at work. this fucking house with all the kids and can't go in here after such and such time and my fathers not working today so i don't have a bedroom i can go in since he's got to stay in the one we share all fucking day today watching some "important" golf match. so i have nowhere to go in this house that i pay rent to stay at. i guess i just pay to sleep here because i have no freedom of movement or any kind of solitude here. i can always leave, get out of the house but i have no place to go where i can have solitude. i don't have any friends to spend time with. eventually i'll leave to go eat something and then more than likely end up at the fucking library as always and feel like a weird creep sitting somewhere amonst the stacks reading my book and feeling incredibly depressed about everything and wishing i had a gun or a guitar. although, just playing guitar is not in any way helpful because i don't remember stuff that i write so if i play music i try to record it as i write it. all this about music i don't like discussing. i don't think its best for me to intellectualize about musical ambitions right now. i can't really think of anything to write right now that will not further this depressive day so only to get the fuck off computers may help 

Date: 2009-06-17 15:03 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

oh yeah, and i secretly hate the human race and speak with Lucifer most nights and sometimes during the day if he shows up in human form. we also have our secrets.

Date: 2009-06-17 14:32 Subject: vagina Security: Public

i log in. what the fuck am i doing on this site? the damn spacebar makes a really conspicous sound that makes me frustrated. at work today at six a.m. people are difficult. played guitar yesterday. magnifyed amp. quiet amp time onthe back porch (fuck this space bar) until giving up and going inside where i read an article about this girl coming to terms with the death or her harddrive and started another about a new plan to bould very efficient high-speed trains in california. i didn't finish it because i started to get drowsy, tired, whatever. what the fuck am i doing? i should go to that stupid fucking open-mic thing tonight at North Gate (i hate crowds like that) and just destroy the sound barrier. the last time i was at North Gate, i had to listen to some people talk about how awesome the band Creed is and how they're getting back together and then they want to get fucked up and go see them in concert that would be so awesome. that kind of stuff really disturbes me. i feel all kinds of emotions and want to lash out at these people for making such terrible suggestions. but one thing i've found out is that no matter what you do, if someone is past 18 and listens to shitty music, you will not be able to get through to them. it is baffling. all day at work i have to listen to some guy talk about all these corporate radio bands and he knows all of them and thinks the goal of every musician is to work your way up to the "top" or whatever that means. i guess being played of corporate radio or something. but he's always asking me if i like dave matthews and rancid or kings of leon, and no matter what i tell him, he just will never be able to get it. he thinks i know very little about music because my ears are not concerned with mass media music. it is kind of amusing when he tries to descibe one of these groups as being "really political like rage against the machine." its times like that when i just want to burst out laughing...and cry at the same time. i don't know what to tell people like him. i literally have no clue.

Date: 2009-05-19 20:58 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

sometime way back there a few months ago i declared that i had cut off all contacting of my so called "friends" until someone called or e-mailed me. not one person has tried to get in touch with me these past few months. i find that terribly depressing. and i say to you my former d.i.y./punk friends: you were never that cool anyway....you're all hypocrites

Date: 2009-05-13 20:17 Subject: bow-tie readability Security: Public

working on new musical project, reading books about patagonia, glacial periods, and sailing, working 40 hours a week, still no solitude exept monday nights, however, this weekend i will have a little time to work hopefully.

coffee, coffee, expresso, energy drink, people, human complications, coffee, work, no sleep, coffee, bad coffee, good coffee, weed, coffee, lsd, weed, alchohol, lsd, party, sleep, hangover, coffee, sleep, coffee, record, read, go to work.

Date: 2009-05-10 18:46 Subject: nothing ever changes? Security: Public

took 7 hits of acid last night and recorded about an hour of art-noise with guitars and various precussional devices. i had no sense of front/back/up/down for i don't know how long. it felt like i had been gone for hundreds of years when it finally wore down. i have been reborn, once again. i think i am going to write a novel.

Date: 2009-05-05 19:12 Subject: vision Security: Public Tags: revelations

america is beginning to see in what i want to call the micro-visual reality. culturally, we are being condensed into the plastic model-city form. the amazing thing is that this way of viewing everything is limitless in its diversity in everything except for its complete overarching image.  it is endless and unchangeable in the severity of its influence. although it will eventually morph into something else entirely, as all cultures do as the technology advances, its impact will be forever lasting. 

Date: 2009-04-13 17:41 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

constantly changing my opinions. now i'm not really sure i even like Deerhunter....or Sufjan Stephens...i can't solidify my opninions on music. one day i only want to listen to hardcore. next day its "fuck this hardcore shit, noise is where its at!" then i wanna go listen to some soft indie stuff or some old lsd music. fuck it.

Date: 2009-03-28 15:20 Subject: god hates everyone Security: Public

going rent a movie (that new one by charlie kaufman) then going home and going to make coffee, drink coffee, take a piss, read, drink some beer, then watch the movie if i can.

i'm sure none of this will accually happen because people will be at the house. there will not be a room for me to read in or watch a movie. i don't know what to do do. i just want to go somewhere where i can be alone. this is constant. why is god or whatever alien thing it is thats manipulating us humans forcing me to constantly be around people 24/7. is this some joke? is this entity trying to force me to commit suicide? i wish i had some fucking friends. 

Date: 2009-02-26 19:44 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

why do i even do this anymore. i have nothing to look forward too life has pretty much ended

Date: 2009-01-26 18:58 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

so is this the end could itget any worse than this i dk fuck god fuck the devil

Date: 2009-01-21 19:41 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

recorded another album the other day. i wonder what the neighbors must have been thinking while this was happenning.

there are spirals in the sat the moment i have the feeling that i'm done on the internet and i should log off and move on to more productive and real things

i want to get drunk like a teenager tonight.

Date: 2009-01-08 14:03 Subject: curious Security: Public

walked to Perkins Rowe from work yesterday. as i was walking through a luxury funiture store's parking lot i noticed a lady (about 55-65 years of age) kinda hopping along, not able to put much weight on her left foot. i thought maybe she was used to walking this way and would eventually make it into the store. when i was about ten/twenty feet from her she let out terrible shriek and holding her left leg off the ground, attempted to keep herself balanced and was about to tumble to the pavement when-gallant, brave gentleman that i am- i ran over to her and steadied her. she was in extreme pain from some foot ailment that "flares up sometimes." eventually two of the stores owners came outside and we safely assisted her back to her car. makes you wonder about timing, coincidence and fate and all that. 

when i got to Perkins Rowe i decided to spend the next three hours watching The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, which was too long, overly-dramatic, and full of plot-filler. oh, and yes, Brad Pitt's New Orleans accent is dreadful. 

There's a segment in the film that deals with fate that eerily mirrored my own experience in that parking lot. it gave me chills.     

Date: 2009-01-05 12:56 Subject: goodfellas Security: Public

you ever tried to find an apartment? and you have a 40lb. dog. and you don't have a car. it is nearly impossible...and...fuck!